The Threshold

Posted: March 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

Sorry for those of you who are trying to follow our journey here in Colorado.  Joy and I have been sick every since we have gotten here.  I seriously want to keep you up with what is going on but I have simply just not been up to par.  I am writing this in a lackadaisical daze and hope that it makes sense to you!

The doc apparently does not care about patients without insurance as I went the other day and he didn’t do anything to see if I have anything viral, pneumonia, or anything.  He sent me home with 4 prescriptions and the sheet said that his diagnosis was coughing.  Why be in a field that involves caring for people if that is not what you, yourself want to do?  My wife has been taking steroids for a few weeks and steroids do a number against your immune system.  So now that her immune system is low is when I am getting sick and have to tip toe around the apartment scared that I will make her worse than she already is.  The doc gave me prescriptions that “should take care of walking pneumonia if that is what I have,” says the doc.  So the past few nights, when I finally went to sleep, have been crazy.  I wake up facing Joy and realize that I am breathing toward her and possibly coughing on her in my sleep and it makes me uncomfortable.  Her coughs hurt me every time I hear them because I feel like I am the one that possibly did that to her.  Last night we were both coughing almost as if it was a competition.  I coughed until I almost threw up.  Sorry about the graphics here if you are a visual person but I want to describe accurately what is happening.  I have not felt breathing problems like this since years ago and my fear of getting other people sick is crazy.  The people here in Colorado are all getting sick and I am praying that we don’t have something to do with that.  So where do I go?  Where does Joy go?  What a predicament!

After a brief synopsis of whats going on I must be truthful so that you can know I am not just blowing smoke up your butt.  I finally reached a point where I slipped today and felt overwhelmed by everything.  I felt I reached my max and I have nothing else to offer.  Joy and I moved to serve and be a part of the church here in Denver and as of this moment I feel like I have not done much.  I sit back and watch the beautiful things God is doing and wonder when will you use me God?  I can’t get my wife better.  I can’t even get over my own sickness.  I don’t want the people from Emmaus to come around because I don’t want them or their kids to get sick.  I don’t want to get my wife any sicker than she already has been.  So now there is nobody else to fall back on.  This is the part where you see the weak and feebleness of a human being and how out of grip with reality we can become.  Reality is that our health, relationships, and next breath are only there because God wants them to be.  I don’t understand the situation, but I have hope in the next coughing breath that comes that God is there beside us.  My prayer is still the same as it was before this journey started.  “God help me not to walk in fear and in anxiety.  Give me faith and help me walk in it with you.”  If the next breath comes in cough, or sneeze, deep, or shallow I know that He gave it to me.  That’s all I got now because that is all He has given me…. but that is enough because that is His plan and I will surrender.

  1. sharla says:

    You have both been thru so much already in the past 4 months… so sorry ur both so sick still.. Just try to stay strong and keep the faith, everyone is praying for you guys everyday, and i know that soon, you will be all better,,, the devil’s tryin’ to drag you down,, but God will prevail. 🙂

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