Archive for April, 2013

Thanks

Posted: April 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

This is the moment where I am supposed to tell everyone what a great Christian I am and make myself look awesome.  I will refrain.  Every since I said “I do,” I gained a witness to how far I am from perfection and also someone that pushes me to be closer to Jesus.  This blog isn’t about that though.  I write this time because of the fact that I am reminded of all my failures and God is constant in my life nonetheless.

Lately I have been running in rebellion in so many ways.  I have not treated God like the Master, King, Messiah, and every other good name/title that He is.  I started freaking out because I moved all this way to Colorado and started feeling like I haven’t learned anything.  I started falling in thoughts that I “had to get a job, figure out where to live, and get everything ready for our move.”  Joy married me and it’s my responsibility to take care of her!  I don’t want to leave Denver!  The truth is God has been working on me the entire time to get me to this point.  He has lead me to the point where all of my running would culminate into realization that my life is a depressing heap of mess when I try to be in control.  My fear had risen to new heights with my need to control getting greater as well.  I had forgotten that Jesus sits on the throne, not me.

God has never taken me more into His hands than this time.  I basically gave God the finger in the way that I was trying to go back to old life.  I was living in a way that kept failing and would still try to find my own way though my ways would always fail.   God still kept whispering in my ear.  He still walked beside me and in front of me.  He knew what was coming.  He started showing me more at the church when I fell on my face confused and beat.  (That was the last blog)  The visitation from Him in the church that Sunday was just the beginning and is still ongoing.  The truth is that the rebellion of not fasting and seeking only led to more coming to grips with my deepest sin of not trusting in the Maker of the universe.  I wish I could adequately describe the pain and hurt felt during this time.  There is nothing my wife could do to help me.  I isolated myself from those that would speak into my life and felt I could get out of the dungeon myself…. the truth eluded me.

Today I sit here not understanding how the greatest sin of not loving the Lord with all my heart has been committed but He would still stick with me.  He wouldn’t just do that but He would bring me to a place of complete understanding of my failures and breakdowns.  He would push me through painful realization that without Him I could slip off into an abyss of misery BUT HE WAS THERE.  I look back and think of His love, His compassion, His truth, and constant love.  I don’t deserve anything given to me but He gave it to me anyway.  When a person deserves hell, eternity in misery, and to be left alone but did not get all of those we called it grace.  My story is getting pretty darn good because its not about me.  I am only a part of this book written by God in promotion of Himself.  He came and grabbed me at the depths of myself and there is no better place than to feel the hand of God at work.  Left to myself I once again learned my kingdom fails.  This is an everyday process of learning.  Now God gave me rest I must tell how His grace keeps impacting my life.  He has renewed the Spirit in my life and has restored me to His salvation.

I feel like David in Psalm 51-

Psalm 51:

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

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Fighting

Posted: April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Lately it’s been a crazy season in my life.  God has stripped the plans of staying in Colorado away from me because that was not His longterm goal.  I have struggled through this decision of His in many ways.   I found that I have been trying to go through this time alone and that is not at all the first thing that should ever happen.  I was starting to go back to things I know from before like taking control of my life myself, getting depressed because I am leaving Denver, and acting like I somehow could make this walk  about me.  I AM WRONG ABOUT THAT!

This has driven me to have a mind that is unbecoming, to say the least, which leads me to stress and anxiousness.  I start wondering what I am going to do for work, how am I going to minister, how am I going to provide for my family?  I start making His ministry my ministry and I want to take over.  My prayer life and time in the word has struggled.  My outlook is different on all of these things daily depending on how much I am struggling through.  My wife has noticed and calls me out to pray but my struggle and feeling like I am not good enough makes me stay away.  I am fighting the wrong things.

On Sunday I laid in the floor behind all the seats in the church.  This church building we meet in is built around 1900 and so I can only tell you that it is awesome. The sights, smells, and mainly the sounds that day seemed less than ordinary.  As I sat there listening to rehearsal, the music faintly echoing, there was a new sensation.  I felt in that moment God was asking me to listen.  This response wasn’t huge, a time where I had to beg God for an answer, or fast for a month before I heard from Him.  This was just a, “lay here on your face and listen.”  I did that and felt weird.  At first I was thinking, “Am I supposed to repent?”  I did.  Then I thought, “Lord I want to follow you” and started thinking about the ways I could.  Finally I just laid there like God asked.  I felt weird but I laid there with my mind still, my heart beat beating out of my chest, and tears coming into my eyes.  In silence for what seemed forever but was probably only 5 minutes I finally had the need to read scripture.   Romans 12  came to mind.  This is where God destroyed all of those beliefs.  I didn’t have control.  I can be depressed feeling all I want but Jesus gives me true joy and peace.  Nothing will ever change in my need to be over my life unless I surrender to the one who made it.

The first 2 verses says this, “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  The only way I change to keep walking down this crazy road is through the transforming of my mind.  This isn’t just for me but as for a body of believers.  He will transform us all through the renewing of our mind with His Holy Spirit, scripture, prayer, daily walk.  Nothing changes and it will hinder our lives if we rely on our selves.  This is when I realized what a dufus I had been.  This journey isn’t about me, nor is it a walk that is any less than what He ordained me for.  Weight came off of me that day but I know the Lord asks me to fight all of my life.  The fight that He asks me to do is sacrifice my thoughts, actions, body, and time so that He can transform me to use me the way He wants.  This is huge because all the sudden what i am fighting through seems stupid and all I see is light at the end of the tunnel.  All the sudden fighting isn’t with God but fighting to be with Him more.  I wonder how may people are shown that laying on a floor that smells dusty and old in a church rented for the proclamation of the gospel.  The Lord has been good to me and I am thankful.