Fighting

Posted: April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Lately it’s been a crazy season in my life.  God has stripped the plans of staying in Colorado away from me because that was not His longterm goal.  I have struggled through this decision of His in many ways.   I found that I have been trying to go through this time alone and that is not at all the first thing that should ever happen.  I was starting to go back to things I know from before like taking control of my life myself, getting depressed because I am leaving Denver, and acting like I somehow could make this walk  about me.  I AM WRONG ABOUT THAT!

This has driven me to have a mind that is unbecoming, to say the least, which leads me to stress and anxiousness.  I start wondering what I am going to do for work, how am I going to minister, how am I going to provide for my family?  I start making His ministry my ministry and I want to take over.  My prayer life and time in the word has struggled.  My outlook is different on all of these things daily depending on how much I am struggling through.  My wife has noticed and calls me out to pray but my struggle and feeling like I am not good enough makes me stay away.  I am fighting the wrong things.

On Sunday I laid in the floor behind all the seats in the church.  This church building we meet in is built around 1900 and so I can only tell you that it is awesome. The sights, smells, and mainly the sounds that day seemed less than ordinary.  As I sat there listening to rehearsal, the music faintly echoing, there was a new sensation.  I felt in that moment God was asking me to listen.  This response wasn’t huge, a time where I had to beg God for an answer, or fast for a month before I heard from Him.  This was just a, “lay here on your face and listen.”  I did that and felt weird.  At first I was thinking, “Am I supposed to repent?”  I did.  Then I thought, “Lord I want to follow you” and started thinking about the ways I could.  Finally I just laid there like God asked.  I felt weird but I laid there with my mind still, my heart beat beating out of my chest, and tears coming into my eyes.  In silence for what seemed forever but was probably only 5 minutes I finally had the need to read scripture.   Romans 12  came to mind.  This is where God destroyed all of those beliefs.  I didn’t have control.  I can be depressed feeling all I want but Jesus gives me true joy and peace.  Nothing will ever change in my need to be over my life unless I surrender to the one who made it.

The first 2 verses says this, “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  The only way I change to keep walking down this crazy road is through the transforming of my mind.  This isn’t just for me but as for a body of believers.  He will transform us all through the renewing of our mind with His Holy Spirit, scripture, prayer, daily walk.  Nothing changes and it will hinder our lives if we rely on our selves.  This is when I realized what a dufus I had been.  This journey isn’t about me, nor is it a walk that is any less than what He ordained me for.  Weight came off of me that day but I know the Lord asks me to fight all of my life.  The fight that He asks me to do is sacrifice my thoughts, actions, body, and time so that He can transform me to use me the way He wants.  This is huge because all the sudden what i am fighting through seems stupid and all I see is light at the end of the tunnel.  All the sudden fighting isn’t with God but fighting to be with Him more.  I wonder how may people are shown that laying on a floor that smells dusty and old in a church rented for the proclamation of the gospel.  The Lord has been good to me and I am thankful.

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