Posted: April 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

This is the moment where I am supposed to tell everyone what a great Christian I am and make myself look awesome.  I will refrain.  Every since I said “I do,” I gained a witness to how far I am from perfection and also someone that pushes me to be closer to Jesus.  This blog isn’t about that though.  I write this time because of the fact that I am reminded of all my failures and God is constant in my life nonetheless.

Lately I have been running in rebellion in so many ways.  I have not treated God like the Master, King, Messiah, and every other good name/title that He is.  I started freaking out because I moved all this way to Colorado and started feeling like I haven’t learned anything.  I started falling in thoughts that I “had to get a job, figure out where to live, and get everything ready for our move.”  Joy married me and it’s my responsibility to take care of her!  I don’t want to leave Denver!  The truth is God has been working on me the entire time to get me to this point.  He has lead me to the point where all of my running would culminate into realization that my life is a depressing heap of mess when I try to be in control.  My fear had risen to new heights with my need to control getting greater as well.  I had forgotten that Jesus sits on the throne, not me.

God has never taken me more into His hands than this time.  I basically gave God the finger in the way that I was trying to go back to old life.  I was living in a way that kept failing and would still try to find my own way though my ways would always fail.   God still kept whispering in my ear.  He still walked beside me and in front of me.  He knew what was coming.  He started showing me more at the church when I fell on my face confused and beat.  (That was the last blog)  The visitation from Him in the church that Sunday was just the beginning and is still ongoing.  The truth is that the rebellion of not fasting and seeking only led to more coming to grips with my deepest sin of not trusting in the Maker of the universe.  I wish I could adequately describe the pain and hurt felt during this time.  There is nothing my wife could do to help me.  I isolated myself from those that would speak into my life and felt I could get out of the dungeon myself…. the truth eluded me.

Today I sit here not understanding how the greatest sin of not loving the Lord with all my heart has been committed but He would still stick with me.  He wouldn’t just do that but He would bring me to a place of complete understanding of my failures and breakdowns.  He would push me through painful realization that without Him I could slip off into an abyss of misery BUT HE WAS THERE.  I look back and think of His love, His compassion, His truth, and constant love.  I don’t deserve anything given to me but He gave it to me anyway.  When a person deserves hell, eternity in misery, and to be left alone but did not get all of those we called it grace.  My story is getting pretty darn good because its not about me.  I am only a part of this book written by God in promotion of Himself.  He came and grabbed me at the depths of myself and there is no better place than to feel the hand of God at work.  Left to myself I once again learned my kingdom fails.  This is an everyday process of learning.  Now God gave me rest I must tell how His grace keeps impacting my life.  He has renewed the Spirit in my life and has restored me to His salvation.

I feel like David in Psalm 51-

Psalm 51:

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.


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